Communique from new Eugene Artisan Roaster

Another artisan roaster has joined the ranks of Eugene's elite coffee people. Today Ron
(Kaldi) Stewart released his premier collection of fine Peruvian and Colombian coffees. A
"born-again" environmentalist and socially aware businessman, Stewart deals solely in
organic and fair trade coffees.

"I want everybody to win. More power to the people! More coffee to the drinkers! I'm a
veritable conduit of good will!" said Stewart from his patio near the Eugene Country Club.

Stewart said his varietal roasts were developed after several minutes of research, two
Bridgeport pale ales, one and half crossword puzzles, and a phone call from a mail-order
bride company.

"Why bother with additional fuss?" he asked rhetorically. "This coffee is as good as
Near-the-Equator or Cup's Half-Full City or one of them show-off roaster twits with a
fishing pole in one hand and deposit slip in the other. Shit, Dude."

Stewart said his coffee is available after midnight in Springfield's downtown district.
He said he'll accept cash, greens-fee vouchers, liquor or food stamps.